upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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