Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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