I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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