his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
my liver is dry heaving
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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