This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
