"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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