dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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