I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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