Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
