a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
