i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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