Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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