I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It was like giving head to a cactus.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
