Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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