The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize