Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
