She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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