Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
