how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
