I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
