Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
