So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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