Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
