dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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