he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You can't just leave with hair like that
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
