dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
