and you said cock pushups were impossible
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
