My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
