Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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