I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize