Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Banned from zoo.
Again?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
