i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
