I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
