Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
