She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I see more hoeing in ur future
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