If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
