If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize