I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
