i need an iv and a liver transplant
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
