Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
