I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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