I met the friendliest cop last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
