Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
