theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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