Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
