Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
