Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
