So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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