also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
