He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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