my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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