forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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