If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
