I swear she didn't look like that last week.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
