Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
