So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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