Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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