Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
