I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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