24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
