when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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